Heroin

I watch a lot of intervention on Hulu, and it made me realize that I never want to do heroin.  It's a scary drug that doesn't help you do anything, except relax.  There isn't an upside to heroin, other than feeling good.  It just rots your body away and makes you drool.  You get really skinny, which is cool if you're trying to lose weight.  Wasting away to nothing isn't a way to live your life, unless you're a heroin addict.  Then it's the only way to live your life.

The difference between a sad clown and a happy one

 

It’s been said that women love a guy with a sense of humor.

In fact, I recently read in a Yahoo! Blog that the number one quality women look for in a mate is the ability to draw a laugh.

LIES!

Besides speaking from embittered personal experience, there is no evidence to support this misconception.

If this were true, wouldn’t clowns get laid more?

What’s funnier than a clown?

Big nose, big feet, big… well, you know.

Who wouldn’t want a clown?

Yet, ladies, how many clowns have you dated?

What’s your clown number?

None.

Maybe one… In college… while you were experimenting.

Some of the most eligible bachelors in history were clowns.  Daniel Rice, Bozo, John Wayne Gacy.  With names like that, why aren’t clowns considered sexy?

The fact is, women don’t know what they want.  They say they want a “nice” guy who’ll treat them “right.”  But, nine times out of ten, they’ll go home with that orange, spray-tanned, preppy douche bag that has a visor on, even though it’s dark out.

That’s the quickest way to turn a happy clown into a sad one.

Being a Man

I felt like being a man and blogging about sports for once.

The Chicago Blackhawks beat the Minnesota Wild by a convincing 4-0 margin.  That makes me happy.  I want the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup and give my ridiculous playoff beard meaning.  People will stop me in the street and be like:

"Hey, person with bad facial hair, why don't you shave your patchy beard?"

Then I'll be all like:

"My favorite National Hockey League team, the Chicago Blackhawks, are currently playing for the Stanley Cup championship.  This patchtastic combination of glue and pubic hair is meant to support their quest."

And they'll be all like,

"Oh, I too support that team's goal."

Unless they're from Detroit.  Then their car can burst into flames.