Heroin

I watch a lot of intervention on Hulu, and it made me realize that I never want to do heroin.  It's a scary drug that doesn't help you do anything, except relax.  There isn't an upside to heroin, other than feeling good.  It just rots your body away and makes you drool.  You get really skinny, which is cool if you're trying to lose weight.  Wasting away to nothing isn't a way to live your life, unless you're a heroin addict.  Then it's the only way to live your life.

The difference between a sad clown and a happy one

 

It’s been said that women love a guy with a sense of humor.

In fact, I recently read in a Yahoo! Blog that the number one quality women look for in a mate is the ability to draw a laugh.

LIES!

Besides speaking from embittered personal experience, there is no evidence to support this misconception.

If this were true, wouldn’t clowns get laid more?

What’s funnier than a clown?

Big nose, big feet, big… well, you know.

Who wouldn’t want a clown?

Yet, ladies, how many clowns have you dated?

What’s your clown number?

None.

Maybe one… In college… while you were experimenting.

Some of the most eligible bachelors in history were clowns.  Daniel Rice, Bozo, John Wayne Gacy.  With names like that, why aren’t clowns considered sexy?

The fact is, women don’t know what they want.  They say they want a “nice” guy who’ll treat them “right.”  But, nine times out of ten, they’ll go home with that orange, spray-tanned, preppy douche bag that has a visor on, even though it’s dark out.

That’s the quickest way to turn a happy clown into a sad one.

Being a Man

I felt like being a man and blogging about sports for once.

The Chicago Blackhawks beat the Minnesota Wild by a convincing 4-0 margin.  That makes me happy.  I want the Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup and give my ridiculous playoff beard meaning.  People will stop me in the street and be like:

"Hey, person with bad facial hair, why don't you shave your patchy beard?"

Then I'll be all like:

"My favorite National Hockey League team, the Chicago Blackhawks, are currently playing for the Stanley Cup championship.  This patchtastic combination of glue and pubic hair is meant to support their quest."

And they'll be all like,

"Oh, I too support that team's goal."

Unless they're from Detroit.  Then their car can burst into flames.

More of the same. Go see So Ill Improv tonight!

Everyone who reads this blog (I'm talking to mainly you, Ted) should go see the So Ill Improv Comedy Festival this weekend.

www.soillimprov.com

All the information is there.   The first show is tonight at 7:30pm at Longbranch Coffee House.  Tickets are five dollars.

Go to the So Ill Festival

Hey everybody,

  This is completely off topic, but you should all go to the So Ill Improv Comedy Festival March 25-27th.  We just got some wicked awesome press from the Southern and the Nightlife.


Promo Video from Improvised Shakespeare on Vimeo.

This is our headliner.  They're awesome.


You can buy tickets online at soillimprov.com

Youtube Opinion Vlogs

There have been a disturbing amount of these videos on Youtube.



I don't know what it's about.  I stopped watching when I realized that this was some uninformed teenager expressing their opinion.  Why do so many of them feel the need to say something into their computer?

That was my point.  I don't think I can come up with any coherent reasoning for it.

Wait, let's try this:

The immense narcissism it takes to post something like this bothers me.

There, that sounds like a well thought out argument.

Google... Evil?

Is Google evil? Probably, especially according to this article on the BBC today.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/seealso/2010/02/tech_view_google_and.html

My argument has nothing to do with the Italian Court's ruling that Google is liable for the content posted by users on Youtube, but it does bring up an issue that's been bothering me.

Is Google to powerful?

I watched its superbowl commercial to "awws" and "shucks, ain't that cute" from the audience.  Isn't it nice to have a company that can let you stalk French girls from all the way across the Atlantic ocean?  And more importantly, a company that knows who your stalking at what time and where in the world your stalking from?

Google has turned harmless internet infatuation into a disturbing corporate past time.  As recently as a year ago, Google began monitoring my Google account's web history without my permission.  Luckily, I found this out and turned off the service.  But, why does a massive multimedia monolith need to know how often I Google myself at work?

I can't answer that without being irrational, but maybe a governing body greater than mine should be watching over this massive company, held accountable by only its share holders. 

Let me be more blunt, someone should be watching over Google.  I'm not sure what they're up to with my credit card and porn habits.

Tweet-less

Why do professional athletes have twitter accounts? It’s not like any of them can write well enough to merit reading one. I know these people, particularly professional basketball and football players, earned a higher education based on their ability to make a ball go through a hoop and assault opposing players in a violent fashion. So, why don’t any of them use it in a constructive manner? I have to sit through various one hundred and forty character assaults on the English language telling me:

“just picked up some turntables... trying to get my dj on.”
-Miles Austin, Cowboys Wide Receiver

That didn’t make anyone’s life any better. That was a poorly punctuated waste of megabytes. It would be nice if any of these gentlemen could use their immense wealth to help people in a way that wasn’t mandated by the NFL or seemed insincere.

But wait, there’s more!

“Feeling good...better yet great...chilllllan”
-Cody Brown Arizona Cardinals Linebacker

I’m glad I found out this man can’t spell Chilean. Maybe, what they say about football causing brain damage is true.

Professional athletes should leave their communication skills on the field, as most of their tweets are better suited for trash talking, and instead use their free time for better enhancing the lives of the less fortunate.

Old Folks on Facebook

Old people… You need to get off facebook.

Seriously. That’s my generation’s. This is how we rebel, by taking lewd pictures of ourselves and ruining our professional lives. Modern life is complicated, and facebook is a place where we can hide and assert our own identities. How would you like it if your parents started dropping acid and having guilt-free sex on the pill? You’d stop having all that fun because it wouldn’t be rebellion. Being young is about finding an identity different from your parents. That’s what disco was about. Remember? If you can… all those drugs you snorted in the Eighties might have affected something. You’ve already found your identity (Disco) and now you’re old and boring. I’m sorry, but it happens to all of us. I know you’re sad you couldn’t stay young forever. It’s not your fault. It’s only natural, like SARS or the Hanta Virus. It’s time for you to grow old gracefully by chain smoking, drinking heavily on weekdays and being overtly racist, like your parents. They wouldn’t have been the greatest generation if they didn’t know how to party.

Yay! More illiteracy!

According to this article from the BBC's technology section:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/8497427.stm

More teenagers find it inconvenient to blog. I don't necessarily mind this as most teen-aged blogs are poorly conceived and poorly written. However, I was most troubled by this article when one of the interviewees was quoted, "people don't find reading that fun." What the hell does that mean? When did this "Y" generation get so damn illiterate? Perhaps, I'm over reacting, but reading has been instrumental to the transfer of knowledge from one generation to the next through human history. China was a random collection of angry tribes until they invented the written word. Now, they're America's largest creditor. If only modern teenagers could see what reading can do for one's own personal success. Unfortunately, I don't think that's possible until they get a few more years experience. I can only hope that's sooner rather than later.